Happy Halloween to you! A pretentious statement maybe, but I am the king of self-shaming. Many will claim this royal title, and indeed this is one very long throne. We gain this crown through the words and actions of parents, teachers, and other authorities who enter our lives for a season or longer. These authorities teach us to shame ourselves through the simple fact that not all of us can be first in every race or situation. Soon, many of us came to that day in our past when we said, "I'm no good" in so many words deep in the heart. Thus began the long road to crowning ourselves kings of self-shaming.
The documentary on the Navy Sea, Air and Land team training perhaps says it best with their little motivational barb, 'second place is first loser.' This is one of many absurdities in military training, for even the highly selective Seal teams want to graduate more than one new operator out of each training class. Anyone who graduates to the Seal trident can hardly be called a loser. The difficulty of basic training programs is to get the stupid mistakes out of the way in training. The problems come later when some of us hold on to that first bit of training, the breaking down bit where everyone is shamed for the slightest error or failure. We begin to carry around the voice of the drill instructor or training chief or whatever with us to shame the self for perfectly normal errors nearly everyone makes the first time something is attempted. Some may develop a social anxiety because of this negative perfectionism we learn.
The social anxiety grows from the I'm-no-good thinking to the self-shame of negative perfectionism until finally the person cannot but run from social situations where we are the least bit disadvantaged. Seeking a new job, opening a bank account, a government function, or any other circumstance that turns us into a supplicant or grants us the weaker position from ignorance and lack of experience becomes difficult to overcome. A buddy in Beirut, Mike, often used the saying, you think you're the best thing since sliced bread. What is the opposite saying? I guess we come to the plate thinking that we are the worst thing since powdered eggs. Maybe someone out there likes powdered eggs, but we had them like every day in Beirut and I can't stand that taste to this day. The battle is joined!
This blog entry is a great example. I have doubts about what I have written. Who am I to say what is what about PTSD or anxiety or whatever? That is the negative perfectionism I have referred to. If I can't do it perfectly, then I want to quit. I am in a disadvantaged position because I don't know everything about PTSD and I don't have the services of a professional editor for this writing and I will post it without a week to review and rewrite it. Time to flip it over! Who does know everything about mental illness? If there is one, he or she had better quit goofing off and publish the cure. A blog is a blog because it is personal without benefit of professional editing and time-sapping rewrites. I can write something that will help others who suffer similar problems in social situations. This entry probably won't win any prizes in the perfect essay contest. I could spend a year doing research and rewrites, but people need help now. Even if I can offer nothing more than a sympathetic, informal writing that lets someone out there know that he is not alone in suffering, I need to think well of myself and get it out there on the web.
There is the key, I think, to our rebuilding. We need to stop the self-shaming and begin thinking well of the self, including our performance and ability. No, I won't do everything perfectly, only God is perfect. Flip over the bad thoughts that say you and I are no good, or first loser, and think of the good we have to offer. You survived another day with PTSD, a victory! I went to a new place and bought a newspaper, said hello to the clerk too! A clear victory over the urge to stay home. It is time for the king of self-shaming to abdicate! Record every accomplishment, no matter how small you may think it is. Wait a couple of weeks and look back over those daily accomplishments, and we may be surprised how far we have come. Constant vigilance! as Professor Moody advised Harry Potter and his classmates, we need it too in eliminating those negative, perfectionistic thoughts that cause quitting or not starting. It almost seems sappy, but start looking in the mirror and telling yourself how talented and good you are. Where has that other thinking got us?
Bucky
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